No Excuses

I just realized that I haven't posted anything in 20 months, so that just goes to show how much I've grown since then. Not much! Last summer I read many books on helping others, not being selfish, accepting others and not judging. And those were great, but it didn't really change my actions. On February 21st much of that changed. I made the decision to listen to some Godly counsel and that has helped change my mindset even more. To relay what has transpired, I will be typing some of what I wrote in my journal 2 weeks ago.

"I have been going to church again now for two weeks in a row. Two weeks ago after counseling I realized it's time to put the past behind me and to move forward. I have been trying to do it myself (in my own power), and that doesn't work. I have simply decided not to make excuses and just make the small commitment to go to church every week (for now). Last week I learned to surrender and commit, so that is what I'm studying and working on. Today when I went to church this went further. As I was being ministered to all I could feel was that I didn't deserve this. I know now that I have been going about this all wrong. God is FIRST! All I have to do is surrender to Him, follow Him, love Him, then all of that will radiate to others. Then I won't have pride come in, and I won't try to do things in my own strength. It's one thing to hear this, but it's another to KNOW it. I can stop beating myself up because everything I've been through and everything I've done will be used for the kingdom of God, will be a blessing to others."

I have to remind myself of this everyday, but I feel like I am in a better place now than I was a month ago. I know I have a long road ahead of me, but I am finally learning to put the past behind me. I know God has some awesome things in store and I am still learning who I am in Him and the gifts he has placed inside of me. My biggest thing right now is to take it slow and not jump head first into a project because that is how I burn out quickly. I don't want to burn out. I want to see something through. I'm really good about having a good idea and get so excited that I can't live up to my expectations, so I give up. I think if I can just make small commitments right now, like just going to church weekly, then I can make the bigger ones later.

I just have to remember that the chrysalis stage is when a change occurs from one thing to something totally different but beautiful. But as always with the changing, comes pain. There is a field by my house that burned sometime last month. The ground was completely black after it happened, but I noticed a couple of weeks later that the grass coming up is a beautiful green and the grass that didn't burn is an ugly beige. Sometimes you have to go through the fire, through the pain, to start anew.