Disappointment

What is it about me that I just can't get motivated to stick with something? I have many good ideas and I will start them and then just stop. I didn't used to be like that. When it comes to school whether high school or college, once I set my mind to something I got it done and never wavered. I had a clear goal and let nothing get in my way of achieving that goal if I thought I could do it. Maybe that is the problem. If I feel deep down that I will fail at something it doesn't get much past the idea. I always felt smart in high school and knew I could achieve getting good grades, but I was afraid to really pursue college and getting scholarships because maybe I felt like it was just out of my reach. That I would get turned down and not have the money to go to college and therefore would not be able to go so I didn't try too hard to get the scholarships. Instead I wound up pregnant. I did get to college after 18 months of graduation and had a clear goal and got there in five years. I did become a teacher. But when it comes to God and being a Christian I seem to never really get motivated to do what I want to do.

The one time I finally got serious with God and felt I was finally beginning to walk in what He has for me and I was becoming who He created me to be, then my life fell apart or so it seemed then. I know now that He had to do it for me but I feel like I was really getting there and then I just stopped. I can't say why if I was just angry or just too hurt or just got lazy, but I have felt so guilty about that for a while. I live in fear of everything and don't want to anymore. I want to be able to trust God for everything and I'm still learning how to do that. I know I need to be obedient and make some sacrifices and I just can't seem to stick with it. I think I'm too scared of failure or that I won't stick with something because of laziness, but mainly that I will be a disappointment, I guess. I need to get over that disappointment. I never want anyone to be disappointed in me and will let it eat me alive if I think someone is. I will then avoid them to not feel that way. I guess I need to see that there will be times that I will disappoint others and myself but that disappointment goes away and it doesn't mean that I have to disappear because of it. I guess that is one of my roots just like insecurity is. I guess they are brothers and it is time I got rid of them. So now I know what to work on for now.

Becoming me

I've been asking God for years, Who am I? Why am I the way the am? Why can't I be like this or that? I turned into someone I did not want to be. It isn't that I don't like what I do or being a wife or mom or anything like that. I just think if I met myself, someone just like me, I wouldn't want to be around that person and that is a horrible thing to think of myself. So I am finally ready to do what it takes to become the person God created me to be. I know that person exists and now I am setting out to find her. It is going to take work and I will have and have had growing pains, but I will be able to say that if I met myself I would want to become friends with that person. So this blog will be my way to keep up with the journey - all the ups and downs, accomplishment and failures, excitement and weariness, peace and fears.