No Excuses

I just realized that I haven't posted anything in 20 months, so that just goes to show how much I've grown since then. Not much! Last summer I read many books on helping others, not being selfish, accepting others and not judging. And those were great, but it didn't really change my actions. On February 21st much of that changed. I made the decision to listen to some Godly counsel and that has helped change my mindset even more. To relay what has transpired, I will be typing some of what I wrote in my journal 2 weeks ago.

"I have been going to church again now for two weeks in a row. Two weeks ago after counseling I realized it's time to put the past behind me and to move forward. I have been trying to do it myself (in my own power), and that doesn't work. I have simply decided not to make excuses and just make the small commitment to go to church every week (for now). Last week I learned to surrender and commit, so that is what I'm studying and working on. Today when I went to church this went further. As I was being ministered to all I could feel was that I didn't deserve this. I know now that I have been going about this all wrong. God is FIRST! All I have to do is surrender to Him, follow Him, love Him, then all of that will radiate to others. Then I won't have pride come in, and I won't try to do things in my own strength. It's one thing to hear this, but it's another to KNOW it. I can stop beating myself up because everything I've been through and everything I've done will be used for the kingdom of God, will be a blessing to others."

I have to remind myself of this everyday, but I feel like I am in a better place now than I was a month ago. I know I have a long road ahead of me, but I am finally learning to put the past behind me. I know God has some awesome things in store and I am still learning who I am in Him and the gifts he has placed inside of me. My biggest thing right now is to take it slow and not jump head first into a project because that is how I burn out quickly. I don't want to burn out. I want to see something through. I'm really good about having a good idea and get so excited that I can't live up to my expectations, so I give up. I think if I can just make small commitments right now, like just going to church weekly, then I can make the bigger ones later.

I just have to remember that the chrysalis stage is when a change occurs from one thing to something totally different but beautiful. But as always with the changing, comes pain. There is a field by my house that burned sometime last month. The ground was completely black after it happened, but I noticed a couple of weeks later that the grass coming up is a beautiful green and the grass that didn't burn is an ugly beige. Sometimes you have to go through the fire, through the pain, to start anew.

Disappointment

What is it about me that I just can't get motivated to stick with something? I have many good ideas and I will start them and then just stop. I didn't used to be like that. When it comes to school whether high school or college, once I set my mind to something I got it done and never wavered. I had a clear goal and let nothing get in my way of achieving that goal if I thought I could do it. Maybe that is the problem. If I feel deep down that I will fail at something it doesn't get much past the idea. I always felt smart in high school and knew I could achieve getting good grades, but I was afraid to really pursue college and getting scholarships because maybe I felt like it was just out of my reach. That I would get turned down and not have the money to go to college and therefore would not be able to go so I didn't try too hard to get the scholarships. Instead I wound up pregnant. I did get to college after 18 months of graduation and had a clear goal and got there in five years. I did become a teacher. But when it comes to God and being a Christian I seem to never really get motivated to do what I want to do.

The one time I finally got serious with God and felt I was finally beginning to walk in what He has for me and I was becoming who He created me to be, then my life fell apart or so it seemed then. I know now that He had to do it for me but I feel like I was really getting there and then I just stopped. I can't say why if I was just angry or just too hurt or just got lazy, but I have felt so guilty about that for a while. I live in fear of everything and don't want to anymore. I want to be able to trust God for everything and I'm still learning how to do that. I know I need to be obedient and make some sacrifices and I just can't seem to stick with it. I think I'm too scared of failure or that I won't stick with something because of laziness, but mainly that I will be a disappointment, I guess. I need to get over that disappointment. I never want anyone to be disappointed in me and will let it eat me alive if I think someone is. I will then avoid them to not feel that way. I guess I need to see that there will be times that I will disappoint others and myself but that disappointment goes away and it doesn't mean that I have to disappear because of it. I guess that is one of my roots just like insecurity is. I guess they are brothers and it is time I got rid of them. So now I know what to work on for now.

Becoming me

I've been asking God for years, Who am I? Why am I the way the am? Why can't I be like this or that? I turned into someone I did not want to be. It isn't that I don't like what I do or being a wife or mom or anything like that. I just think if I met myself, someone just like me, I wouldn't want to be around that person and that is a horrible thing to think of myself. So I am finally ready to do what it takes to become the person God created me to be. I know that person exists and now I am setting out to find her. It is going to take work and I will have and have had growing pains, but I will be able to say that if I met myself I would want to become friends with that person. So this blog will be my way to keep up with the journey - all the ups and downs, accomplishment and failures, excitement and weariness, peace and fears.